The Festive Season 🎄 Spiritual Bootcamp or Inner Child Warzone?

Spending time with family over the holidays can be a minefield. Here's how we can use the festive season as an opportunity to break generational patterns and embody more of our spiritual mastery.

After 7 months of working and travelling abroad, I'm back in Sydney to catch up with family and celebrate Christmas together. This visit was extra special because my brother just had a baby – my first nephew and my mum’s first grandson.

When I’m away, I sometimes get homesick and reminisce about family time through sentimental rose-tinted glasses. It’s funny how quickly those glasses can shatter when confronted with triggering family dynamics.

Ram Dass nailed it when he said:

Spending time with family after periods of healing or spiritual development is truely a grounding experience. For many, our childhood (and teenage years) are where we experienced traumatic events, so revisiting family settings can unearth familiar tensions.

No matter how Zen you feel after that yoga retreat or meditation class, revisiting stressful family settings is a surefire way to unearth any unresolved inner child wounds, subconscious coping mechanisms or energetic hairballs still lingering in your auric field.

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Age is not a measure of Emotional Intelligence.

Just because someone gets older, it doesn’t mean they are becoming more mature. Why? Because behind most Reactive Egos is a wounded inner child. If the unmet needs of our inner children are left unaddressed, then that emotional wound stays in our subconscious mind, regardless of how many calendar years go by.

During childhood, our ego creates defences mechanisms to cope with distressing or disturbing experiences. Over time, it’s common for our mind to push them away into a dark corner so we avoid facing uncomfortable feelings. Now tucked away from our conscious awareness, these wounds become our blind spots and triggers.

Inner child wounds aren’t easy to notice, and even if people are aware of them, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are willing to tend to them.

When we find ourselves in emotionally-intense situations, our nervous systems become activated warning us of danger and our Protective Ego steps in to manage the situation. This automatic coping mechanism can express in a variety of ways:

• Wounded Ego (Inflated): Externalising problem and blaming others ( eg. self-righteousness, dogmatic, narcissistic tendencies, defensive/ argumentative, passive aggressive/ avoidance, ‘Fight’ trauma response, narcissism)

• Wounded Ego (Weak/ Insecure): Internalising problem and blaming self Eg. people-pleasing, codependency, hypervigilence, self-sacrifice, ‘Flight, Fawn or Freeze' trauma response.

Rather than emotionally reacting with a Protective Ego, we can pause, reflect on the situation with more neutrality and get curious about what is happening in our inner world:

• Ego-Awareness: My perspective clashes with their perspective.

• Ego-Healing: I can see that this situation is triggering a wounded aspect within me and I am willing to learn more about it.

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What happens if people don’t tend to their inner child wounds?

Annual family gatherings during the holidays can turn into explosive battlefields, especially when you add alcohol into the mix.

Don't be surprised if you see grown adults regressing back to their wounded inner children and acting out their old trauma patterns. Those unconscious of their unresolved trauma are especially prone to lashing out and recreating dysfunctional power imbalances like they did back in the day.

Some examples of dysfunctional family dynamics include:

• We might see the classic Narcissist vs Empath dynamic play out.

• There may be a family member who has a reputation for being controlling, pushy or domineering, and the default is for everyone to walk on egg shells around them.

• You might hear condescending or derogatory comments.

• You might encounter shaming or guilt-tripping.

• There may be heated exchanges about whose opinion is more right or wrong.

• There might be bullying or passive aggressive behaviour.

• Roleplaying of the "good son" or "good daughter".

• There may be patterns of people pleasing, self-sacrifice or over giving.

• We may hear some family members gaslighting others by saying things like “You are too sensitive”, “Stop being so negative” or “Why are you so dramatic, just let it slide”

Growing up in dysfunctional family settings provides an abundance of psychological bypassing and emotional manipulation.

It can get heated real quick. It’s incredible how a short passing comment can bring up rejection wounds, abandonment wounds, trust wounds, self-expression wounds…

This can resurface long-buried feelings of not being seen, heard or accepted.

The festive seasons is a high-risk, trigger-prone environment... and that’s exactly why it can be the perfect training ground to put your Inner Work tools to the test and gauge your level of self-mastery.

Remember, it takes two to tango.

If we emotionally react like we always used to, nothing changes. We are just playing out the same trauma bonds. We are not here to change or try to heal others, we are here to heal ourselves so we can show up differently.

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Why is spending time with family so triggering?

From the womb all the way to age 7, we are energetic sponges that are incredibly susceptible to absorbing mental and emotional impressions from our environment. All children are dependent on their parents to have their basic physical, mental and emotional needs met, and for better or for worse, our parents are our first teachers. They teach us survival basics like how to eat, go to the bathroom, and how to avoid dangerous situations. We also learn from them indirectly by observing how they show affection, communicate with others and manage their emotions.

Subconsciously, we inherit a lot about their trauma by hearing their limiting beliefs, emotion reactions and ideas of success, power and self-worth.

Awakening means becoming aware of dysfunctional family dynamics and break the patterns unconsciously passed down by their parents.

We can't blame them for this, navigating trauma is part of our human experience. It's important to remind ourselves that our parents did the best they could from their level of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. They could only give us what they received themselves, and for whatever reason, might not have had the luxury of time, energy or educational resources to invest in their healing and personal development.

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Inner Work as a pathway for intentional change

One thing that self-healing and spiritual development have in common is a calling for time alone to take stock of where you are at, identify what isn’t working anymore and investigate ways you invite positive change.

Everything is always changing, the important question is: Are we engaging with those changes consciously or unconsciously?

Inner Work is a pathway for intentional change.

Our 8 Pillars Of Inner Work framework was created to help you discover your unique healing themes, rewrite limiting beliefs, change self-sabotaging behaviours and strengthen your self-worth.

Inner Work takes a spiritual approach to healing trauma by asking:

• What is the healing theme or pattern?

• Where did I get this wound from? Is it a response to a traumatic event or is it an inherited pattern?

• What previously unmet need can I now meet myself?

• What wisdom can my Soul gain from this experience?

This is why tracking your triggers during the Festive Season can be a prime opportunity to put your spiritual mastery to the test.

Sounds great in theory, right? Well, walking had first into a trigger-prone environment is easier said than done.

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Shifting you Inner World

As you heal, you begin practicing radical Self-Love to all aspects of your life.

From changing the harsh inner critic narratives into kind and compassionate words of support, reassurance and encouragement. Or compassionately tending to your nervous system when a trigger arises. Or noticing when relationships feel energetically draining and consciously creating more space from them.

Key Point: Inner Work helps you develop a deeper sense of self-love.

You develop a heightened awareness of the inner workings behind your dysfunctional patterns and behaviours, and begin to empathise with those of others.

You are able to discern when relationships are based on codependency, enmeshment or triangulation.

You are conscious of your personal needs and have the willpower to follow through on boundaries, even when they provoke lashing out, guilt tripping or other forms of emotional manipulation.

You set a new standard for what type of behaviour you are willing to accept or not accept to mirror your new sense of self-worth.